Lars Fontaine, True Crime Press

There are many questions surrounding the enigmatic disappearance of the elusive "E." It's an intriguing mystery that has roused the attention not only of the missing man's neighbor, but hundreds of online investigators that have organized into a group known as the Search4e, sponsored by True Crime Press, to track him down. Spearheaded by author James Pitt, and publicized by True Crime Press's Heather Hawkins, together they're attempting to find out just what happened to Ed Sobian a.k.a. Edward Sobiak a.k.a. Doctor Emil Schoffhausen—no wait, that was Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. No matter! The point is some people believe "E" was indeed a con man, while others postulate that he was involved in a darkly vast government conspiracy.

We don't care about any of that, we just want some dirt. So we turned to Heather Hawkins's assistant, Lars Fontaine, who consented to chat with us via email, between interruptions from his superiors. What a guy! And curse those lousy superiors! Ha!

Hi, Lars. Thanks for taking some time out for me. Did you get the list of preliminary questions I sent?

Oh, man I did my like I can't find anything today. Anyway my life is an open book which is not always good but that's the way I am. So fire away as they say in Houston. As long as no one comes in and looks over my shoulder, I can talk.

[Editor's Note: Yes, it's quite possible he was inebriated.]

How did you and Heather meet, and how did you get involved with True Crime Press?

I met Heather in Queens at a party where a couple of friends of mine were playing in a boy band and as you know Heather really likes boy bands. We got talking and I told her I was looking for work as a drummer and she said she didn't know anyone who needs a drummer but she was looking for an assistant like someone to help her out and it wouldn't be long hours. Not true!! So here I am.

Heh, they always say it won't be long hours and it's never true. ;)

So, what did you do before Heather hired you on? Were you just an out-of-work drummer? Also, I didn't think boy bands usually played their own instruments.

Yeah, well I use the term loosely because for Heather I think any band with cute guys in it is a boy band. I can't really say I'm an out of work drummer because I've never really worked in a actual sense of the word as employment. Before I worked here I helped out in a sound studio but mostly getting coffee and stuff and before that I worked as a lifegaurd at a pool in Queens.

[Editor's Note to the Ladies: Booyaa.]

Okay, moving on then…I understand you have the inside scoop on what goes on behind the scenes there at TCP. Do you know what James Pitt's real interest in this investigation is?

You know, I heard Jeremy say that "know is relative term" around here. I'm not sure exactly what that means but I think it means that no one is really sure of anyone else like especially James Pitt becuause I think he keeps a kind of low profiel and when he comes in here it's like closed doors and if you think I'm invited your making a big mistake. I think he wants to write a book but he keeps saying he wants to find his neihgbor. I also think he wants to make the FBI look bad but maybe that's just me.

All I know, and this I do know, is that everyone is like majorly freaked out today and it has to do with Oysterlass and some plans of something in the works that they got wind of around here. And it's like all the kings horses and all the kings men can't find that one anywhere.

[Editor's Note: I can assure you, our minds are seared just as much from all of the spelling errors and typos. In fact, one of our eyes just began to bleed. However, our journalistic integrity demands that we reprint Mr. Fontaine in his full, unadulterated voice with all of it's earthy, and potentially besotted, glory. Now turn the page. TURN IT!]

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