By: Two Babes with Boobs

Unfiction.com stunned the ARG world today with its announcement that it is closing up shop. Unfiction Supreme Leader and Chief Nipple Tweaker, SpaceBass, said that he was “tired of all the shenanigans” and that he “really needs to focus on what matters in life.” It is reported that he has forsaken women and will enter the St. Joseph Monastery for the Terminally Geeky in Aglaura, NJ, next month. In a show of solidarity, ARGN members will also close down their sites by the end of the month. Bill has decided to change his site to toppsoff.us, and will be setting up his first nudist Internet café in Tampa. Vpisteve expects to parlay his music career into an opportunity with the Celine Dion show. “I could be a back-up musician, but I’m really hoping for Chief Eyebrow Waxer,” he enthused. Jamesi announced plans to join the Canadian Olympic Field Hockey Team. “I love the knee socks and kits. Plus, all that running and squatting keeps my buttocks tight and perky.”

Unfiction regulars were numb with shock and awe. “How will this affect my stats?” wondered Fireball, who says he has no current plans other than to continue working on his idea for the first national chain of “Pussy Licks” cat grooming salons. Other regulars were reportedly crying “booty!” and running around looking for TOOCs. The few we talked to who were actually coherent gave us this rundown on their future, Unfiction-free lives.

Imbri will realize a life-long dream and move from Florida to Antarctica to study penguins, she informed this reporter. “I’m tired of all this nice weather.”

Aveena was not particularly worried about her future. “I can always return to the strip club, there’s an open invitation for me there.”

Ozy_y2k has decided to run for an as-yet unnamed political office on the new, “Wordy Bloggers” party ticket. His platform will be available next week on a 10 CD set in zipped format.

Lou is working on plans to audition for the next American Idol. “I’ll make Simon purr like a kitten,” he promised. His repertoire includes hits by crooners Frank Sinatra, Mel Torme, Sammy Davis Jr., and Whitney Houston.

ScarpeGrosse has announced that she is in talks with the Playboy Channel Network to host a new sports talk show, tentatively titled “Tits ‘N Tackles.” First guests will be members from the Ann Arbor Coed Naked Lacrosse Team.

Gupfee has moved to Scotland to become an apprentice at the historic Glenfiddich whiskey distillery. Sources site a general fear at the distillery that most whiskey will be distilled via liver function, not cask.

Diandra will be opening her own theme park in the Orlando area. “DiandraWorld” will feature rides like the exciting “Hair Whip,” where riders swing around on long blond tresses, and the “Decolletage Drop.”

Sapagoo will set up his own Internet-based detective agency, Stalkers R Us. “It’s remarkable what you can find with Google and a little persistence,” he comments.

Unfiction regular Tien Le could not be located for comment. A neighbor in Seattle reported that she was last seen getting into a taxicab headed for the airport muttering something like “Goa’uld” and “need to get to Stargate mission control.”

In another possibly related event, our Canadian correspondent tells us that several Tim Hortonses in the Toronto area have been seized by hordes of ninja ferrets and gerbils. Police are not commenting, but an inside source told us that a demand for ARGN’s complete and immediate return has been delivered to the RCMP headquarters by several gerbils wearing masks.